Sir Elton John – someone who I can’t seem to disassociate from his rubber-faced, arse-obsessed characterisation on Bo Selecta – has been the guiding light of sense and rational thought earlier this week when he took it upon himself to speak his mind about Cowell’s crap-machine.
In Sir Elton’s words, the X Factor is “arse-paralysingly brain crippling.”
Normally, I’d find any comments from Sir Elton about arses being paralysed somewhat unpalatable.
“It's not creative. I think Simon Cowell is supplying a market and that market is completely uninteresting and boring.” - Bernard Sumner
On this occasion, I found myself jumping up from my seat with a wild grin on my face laughing manically. It was at this point I realised rush hour on the District Line may not have been the opportune time to celebrate a small blow against the man with the hair-cut of a Grizzly bear.
It’s not only the fact that I may have looked like one of the drugged-up fruitcakes you get on the tube who everyone pretends to ignore – but is secretly keeping a close eye on – that I was worried about. No, it was also the fact that at least eight people on the packed carriage could have been part of the zombie-like X Factor thought police.
I don’t think it’s any individual’s fault if they’ve been caught up in Cowell’s shit-storm – evidently the entire production crew is supremely talented, which is more than you can say for the fame-hungry and cacophonous contestants of the show itself.
The sick beauty of the programme comes from the engine room full of producers and their ability to pin a tear-jerking sob-story to each and every act or – if their lives are too perfect – just by sending in pretty people who look a little like current pop stars and then immediately start comparing the two together.
Bernard Sumner from New Order has voiced a similar opinion:
“I think it stinks because it's more about the people who are making the programme than the people they are purporting to promote.
“I like real music. I'm not interested in how well you can sing. It's not how you sing, it's what you sing that interests me.”
Jamiroquai – the creators of one of my favourite albums Travelling Without Moving – went low in my estimations recently after appearing on X Factor. That was, however, until I found out about his amusing comments and his reservations about doing the show (presumably they were tied into it by his record label).
Of Danii Minogue and Cheryl Cole, Jay Kay recently said in The Sun:
“They’re fucking useless.
“What are they going to tell me about fucking music? What the fuck. When have you ever done anything? You’re useless. The pair of you. I mean you look great and I’d like to fucking shag you but that’s all.”
His best quote was: “I just don’t like all the wanky stuff I have to do…I’m going to have to sing in front of fucking amateurs.”
That’s it to a tee – the X Factor is a bunch of amateurs. What is so depressing is that it is so unoriginal. I used to have such contempt for pop music but, as I’ve grown older and wiser I have accepted that it has just as much a place in the world of music as any other genre. So, to that extent, welcome, Lady Ga Ga; bravo, Christana Aguilera and salutations Boyzone.
I just can’t actually fathom a competition where a bunch of talentless tossers get up on stage and sing other peoples’ songs – in fact, I thought we already had that: it’s called karaoke.
“But poor old Shazmella has been working on the checkouts at Asda and has dreamed of being a pop star all her life…” I hear one of the thought police pipe up.
I dreamt about being a fucking astronaut when I was a kid, Shazmella. I got over it. I wanted to be a T-Rex, Shazmella – genetics disagreed.
If people like Shazmella were actually any good, they would have been a pop star already and not working on checkouts in Asda, boring every poor sod within earshot about the latest addition to their large and morbidly obese family.
Sumner also made another very good point in against the X Factor:
“It's not creative. I think Simon Cowell is supplying a market and that market is completely uninteresting and boring.”
Shows like X Factor are leaving the UK’s music industry in a stagnant pool of manufactured tripe. We just end up with samey songs and repetitive music.
The worst thing is Simon Cowell’s obvious feeling that it is the X Factor’s winner’s god-given right to have their record as the Christmas number one.
Why?
I have never cared so much about what would be number one at Christmas than during last year’s battle. Cowell was beaming with delight that Joe McElderry was going to top the charts with his bloody awful song which could only be likened to a gigantic skid mark on the underpants of originality.
No offence to Mr McElderry, but if I had wanted to listen to a little nonce sing a crappy song at Christmas, I would have gone to church.
All I can say is – thank God for the people who launched an inspired campaign against the X Factor machine. Long may it continue.
Please join the fight against this year’s instalment of musical gonorrhoea:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/BIRD-is-the-WORD-for-UK-Christmas-number-1-2010-to-beat-X-Factor/134615893253740
http://on.fb.me/birdisword
http://www.facebook.com/officialsurfinbird
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=162749780422270 (Wagner to Win X Factor)
Yes X-factor is over-hyped, unoriginal and lowest common denominator entertainment. By why worry? just ignore it and it will go away ....
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